Totally Hilarious, Just READ IT!
by closeyourmouthkristenstewart
Summary: We couldn't even think of a name to match the awesomeness of this story, and there's no way to write a summary because we have no plan for it, just whatever funny thought comes to mind we puit in. : Rated T just in case, All human and 2 new characters!
1. Chapter 1: 3 Inch Nostril

**We own nothing!! (except the 2 main characters who happen to be us and our family) :D**

"Whoa!" I yelled, pointing out the window of our car to a red Cadillac. "That lady is picking her nose while driving!" I said, astonished at the loss of hygiene in our modern world. Emily, my twin sister, laughed.

"What if she gets in a crash?" she said, tossing her brown curly hair over her shoulder.

"Then her fist will be lodged up her nose and she'll have a nostril that's 3 inches wide for the rest of her life!" I said, smiling at the mental picture. Emily laughed harder.

"Whoa! Then she would have an awesome sense of smell!" she marveled. "While she's driving she could stick her head out the window and find out exactly where the nearest restaurant is!" she was bouncing in her seat, obviously excited.

"Wow, you guys have sick minds," Alice said, rolling her eyes at our random conversation. "And Maddie, people do that all the time thinking nobody is looking."

I guess now would be a good time to explain. Emily and I are twins, but not identical. Our last name is Tardenbuckle. We are extremely sick-minded, as Alice, our best friend, said. Alice has a large family. Her older brother Emmett is driving us right now, and her second cousins, Rosalie and Jasper, live with them too. She also has an adopted brother, Edward. Edward is in our grade, and he is gorgeous. Emily and I agree on that. We also agree he would look really good in a chicken suit. I told you we have sick minds.

"Snap out of it, Maddie!" Emily said, snapping her fingers in front of my face. I realized that I had been zoning out.

"Emily! Don't snap your fingers! Don't you remember what happens?" I scolded her.

Another thing to explain to you is why Emily can't snap her fingers. You see, everyone in our family has the gift of materializing whatever we're thinking about when we snap our fingers. Just now, Emily was thinking about steamed lobster, talking flowerpots, and sheep doing handstands. I know this because each of those things appeared in her lap.

The sheep got up and climbed into the trunk, and the talking flowerpot asked us for directions to the nearest greenhouse.

"Emily, you really need to control your thoughts. In 3 seconds you came up with 3 different completely random objects and materialized them," I scolded her again.

"Well it's not my fault I have an overactive imagination!" she screamed before jumping out the open window. She stood up again outside the car because we were at a stoplight.

"Get in the car," Alice ordered with a sigh. "I don't know how you people are still alive, the crazy stuff you do!"

"No, the real surprise is that Bella Swan is still alive. I mean, look at her! If she even talks while walking she trips!" I complained at the clumsiness of the waste of air. Plus, Edward likes her, not me or Emily. And for that, I shall kill her with my bare hands.

"True…" Emily said, trailing off with a look of thoughtfulness in her face.

"Emily, are you fantasizing about ways to kill Bella again?" Alice said, obviously disappointed.

"Yes," Emily confessed. "It would be so fun!"


	2. Chapter 2: Annoying iPod

I was sitting in my room, surrounding myself with wonderful silence, when loud techno music burst through my wall. Not literally, but living with Emily, this happens often. Since my room is right next to hers, I can hear her music when she plays it. She happens to like techno, but I don't.

"TURN THAT OFF!" I yelled, banging on the wall facing her bedroom.

"NO!" she yelled back.

Now, this means war. I went into the garage where the power stuff is that controls if electricity gets to a certain room. I flipped the switch that turns off the electricity in her room. I then went back to my room and sat on my bed, again surrounded by sweet silence.

"AAAAH! IT"S DARK IN HERE!!!!" I heard through the wall before a loud _bang!_ Echoed through the house. I grabbed a flashlight and dragged myself to Emily's room.

She was sprawled out on the ground in the center of her room. She had obviously run into the wall, stumbled backwards, and fell down, judging by the huge dent in the wall. I sighed and rolled my eyes, walking back to the garage. I flipped the electricity back on and went back to my room.

"Hey! Where's my iPod? I had it on my iHome, and now it's gone!" she said, standing in my doorway.

"I have no idea where your iPod went," I lied, holding it behind my back. You'd think she would have figured out that I had it, since I had done this 43 times before. (I keep track)

She was quiet and stared into space.

"Emily? Eeemilyyyy?" I called, stretching out her name. EMILY!!"

"Huh, what?" she jerked back into reality.

"You zone out too much," I told her, turning on the TV.

"Nuh-uh. I just think a lot," she argued, crossing her arms and walking back into her room. She completely forgot about her iPod, which was expected.

Later that day, the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!" I yelled, walking to the front door. I opened it to see Alice standing at the door.

"Come with me, I'm bored," she ordered. "Go get Emily, too."

"Oh, no. Take Emily, but not me!" I knew exactly what she had in mind. She loved shopping. Don't get me wrong, it's fun and all, but Alice shops a LOT. She once shopped for 42 hours straight, and then passed out in a dressing room.

I ran to Emily and dragged her out from under the bed, pulling her by her leg down the hall. When we got to the door, Emily stood up.

"That was fun!" she said. "Hey, Alice, what's up?"

"Oh, nothing, I'm just bored. Come on, get in the car, Emmett's waiting!" she said, impatient.

"Uh, I can't. I have to go- um… wash my cat," Emily said, backing away slowly.

"You don't have a cat!" Alice said. "Plus, if you come, I'll give you these!" she said, holding up a rubber ducky and a cd. Emily and I both stared at the objects. My focus was on the ducky, while Emily was obsessed with the cd. Alice grinned evilly and backed up, and we followed her, not taking our eyes off our prize. She backed all the way to the car and threw the stuff in the back seat. We jumped into the car and franticly grabbed our objects. We were totally consumed with the amazingness of our stuff the entire ride to the mall.


	3. Chapter 3: Headbanging and Kisses

Emily POV

We drove in the car in silence, well I wasn't paying attention so I wouldn't know. All of a sudden, a familiar song came on the radio and I sucked in a huge breath, smiling like a stupid person. I started to head bang, my curls slapping Maddie in the face.

"Hey, what was that for?!" she shouted. I didn't reply, too engrossed in the song.

She was quiet for a minute, recognizing my head banging and the Slipknot song. In case you're wondering, Slipknot is a really hard rock band that's kind of scary but we have a weird obsession with it. Maddie's face lit up. "Hey I know that song!" she said and head banged along with me.

Alice turned around in her passenger seat. "What the heck?"

"It's Slipknot!" I screamed.

"You guys are really weird," she said.

Maddie quit head banging, her brownish blonde hair a total mess. "We are NORMAL," she emphasized normal too much and spit all over Alice's made up face. Actually, she just spat to annoy Alice.

"I think there's something seriously wrong with you," she said, turning back to face the windshield.

Maddie had reached her breaking point. I knew because when she is, she crosses her eyes, sticks her tongue out, and puts both legs over head. "Emmett, open the sun roof. Now."

He silently obeyed and Maddie stuck her head out, screaming "We're normal, I tell you, NORMAL!"

Everyone passing by gave us weird looks, but I was used to this and continued head banging.

Emmett 'coughed'. "Maddie! Get in here NOW!" he ordered.

"No!" she screamed back. Emmett grabbed her leg and yanked her back in. Once she was inside, he floored the car and we sped off to Alice's house.

Once we got there, we walked inside, Maddie and I searched for Edward immediately. There he was sitting on the couch looking at himself in a mirror, in his splendor and glory, as perfect as a god.

"Hey Edward," we said in unison.

He stood up, looking off into the distance, his hair blowing in the wind. "Hello, it is I, the hottest man on earth. Excuse me while I go stalk Bella Swan." He assumed a superhero pose and flew out the door, literally. We sighed and Alice pretended to gag. No wait, she really was.

"Alice are you okay?" Maddie asked as Alice's face began to turn a pretty shade of purple.

"Wait, I was trained for this in my babysitting class!" Maddie shouted and did the Heimlich maneuver on her. A rubber duck flew out of Alice's mouth and her face turned a normal color.

"You ate my rubber ducky!" Maddie screamed, shoving it in Alice's ear.

Alice glared at her. "It was an extra and I was hungry," she said, pulling it out of her ear and eating it again.

"Oh."

I made my way to the couch, sitting next to Jasper, Alice's emo second cousin whom she happens to have a painful crush on. I didn't bother saying hi to him, because the last time I did, he punched me in the face.

"HEY Jasper!" Alice said flirtatiously and squeezed right in between me and him, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"I hate my life," he said in a monotone.

"Oh don't be like that, silly! It's a wonderful world!"

He gazed at her. "Only with you," he said before they locked into a creepy kiss.

I leaned away, motioning to Maddie that we should leave the room. We made our way out and looked for Emmett. "Emmet!" Maddie called. "Come entertain us!"

There was no reply. We finally looked into Emmett's room only to find them making out sloppily on his bed. Maddie and I screamed our horror movie scream and I lunged for Rose and ripped her head off from her body and carried it like a football. "Maddie, go long!"

I threw it at her and she caught it, punting it so it landed right back on Rose's head. Her newly attached face glared at us. If looks could kill, just about everyone Rose knew would be dead by now.

"I'm going to kill you two!" she shrieked, running towards us.

"Rosalie, no!" Emmett said in a freakishly high pitched, girly voice. He grabbed her but didn't realize he grabbed her around the neck and she made odd retarded gargling noises that made me giggle. Eventually, she passed out and Emmett dropped her. She lay in a mangled heap on the floor and we all gazed at her. "She'll start breathing sometime," Emmett said cheerily.

"Wait, have no fear! I learned how to fix this in my babysitting class, too!" Maddie said before performing CPR on Rose. An awkward silence fell and the only sound was Maddie's huffs and puffs.

"You want to go play Grand Theft Auto?" I asked Emmett.

He shrugged. "Sure." And with that, we walked off, leaving Maddie with Rose.


	4. Chapter 4: Turtles and Burritos

Maddie POV

"Ouch," I said, putting on eyeliner.

"I didn't know she'd get _that_ mad!" Emily said, looking innocent. Yeah, right.

"Well if you hadn't taken off her head, she wouldn't have given me a black eye!"

"You have it easy! At least your ear is still whole!"

"Yeah, so is yours," I told her, looking at her funny.

"SO?!? MY EAR IS JUST AS GOOD AS YOURS!" she screamed before jumping out the bathroom window. She stood up and glared at me. "GREAT! NOW I'M LOCKED OUT!"

"Just jump back through the window."

"Ok," she said and jumped back in.

"What should we do today?" I asked her when she was back inside.

"Oh, let's go spy on man-candy!" finally she had a good idea.

"Okay!" I said and called a cab. We went outside to wait for it, but Emily stopped in the doorway.

"Let me go get my spy kit!" she said and darted inside. She came back holding a lime green briefcase.

"What's in there?" I asked her, unhooking one of the latches.

She jerked it away. "It's a SECRET!" she half-whispered.

"Okay, fine then. Taxi's here." We hopped in the cab and gave the driver the address.

We drove in silence, and hopped out at the end of the Cullen's long driveway. We knew exactly where Edward's room was from the outside, and a large oak tree reached its arms out to his window. It's a perfect tree to climb and sit in to spy on Edward, aka Man-candy.

"Okay, we climb the tree and sit on that branch. You got all that?" I asked her.

"Uh, no, can you please repeat the question?" she said, looking sarcastic.

"Come on, let's go," I ordered.

We shimmied up the trunk and swung through the branches until we got to the branch near Man-candy's window.

"Now, what's in that super-secret briefcase?"

"Popcorn, a burrito, my turtle, and some lollipops!" she beamed, satisfied with her collection of awesomeness.

"BRILLIANT!" I screamed, giving her a high-5-yo-diggity.

"Yes!" she said, proud of herself.

"Okay, time to spy!"

"Okay!"

Okay!"

Okay!"

"Stop saying okay," I ordered.

"Okay!"

"I MEAN IT!"

"Sorry…"

We looked into the open window to see Edward admiring himself in the mirror. I haven't explained this yet, but Edward is totally self-obsessed. So is Rosalie, by the way. Anyway, since the window was open, we could hear what he was saying.

"Oh, I am so hot!" he cooed to his reflection, striking a pose. "Is it legal to be this sexy?" he whispered to the mirror. "I'm so hot I could just do myself!" he said, louder. "That's actually not a bad idea…" he said, starting to unbutton his pants.

We screamed, looked at each other, and screamed louder. Edward jolted his head to look at us, and turned bright red. We screamed even louder and fell out of the tree. We hit the dirt with a thud.

"My burrito!" Emily yelled before attempting to catch her burrito. She failed miserably and it hit her in the face.

"Where's your turtle?" I asked, looking around. We both looked up to the branch to see a turtle's head looking over the side of it.

"No, George, DON'T JUMP!" Emily screamed to the confused turtle.

Then, 'George' was falling down towards me. Emily stretched her arms out to catch him, but I pushed her out of the way and saved him myself. If I let Emily try to catch him, he would surely hit her in the face.

"Oh, George, I love you so much! Don't ever scare me like that again!" she cooed to it, ignoring me, as usual.

I got up and picked up the lollipops around me, sticking one into my mouth. Emily was still snuggling her turtle, but she had picked up her burrito and was snuggling that, too.

"Emily, it's time to go," I said, snapping her back into reality.

"Oh, okay! Where's the taxi?" she asked, taking a bite out of the burrito.

"We're not taking a taxi," I stated, then snapped my fingers and we were in my bedroom. "We don't need taxis, remember?"

"Oh, yeah."


	5. Chapter 5: School and Bella Dying

Emily POV

"Maddie, get up!" I said as I shook Maddie, trying to wake her up.

"NO! GO AWAY!" she screamed at me with her eyes closed.

"But we have to get ready for school, duh!"

"GIRLS! Stop screaming!" my mom screamed from the kitchen.

I got up from Maddie's bed, fully dressed and dragged her out by her hair. That did it. Maddie got into her breaking point position and jumped over me, running into the wall. She fell and sprawled across the floor. I stood over her head and her eyes flew open.

"Its morning already?" she said, immediately perky. She got up and got dressed and I went downstairs to zone out on the couch.

I didn't realize how much time went by while I was doing so, but somehow me and Maddie were on the school bus. I noticed a giant dirt streak on my whole right side.

"Whoa, how'd this happen?!"

Maddie glanced over at my dirt streak. "Oh, don't you remember? I dragged you onto the bus by your ankle."

I mumbled very rude things to her as I pulled out some moist toilettes and made my clothes squeaky clean. I'm a little OCD. So is my mom, but Maddie is all messy and gross.

Soon, Alice and her family got on the bus. Our town is small enough to have both middle and high school in one building. Alice sat next to us, babbling mindlessly about clothes…again. Maddie halfheartedly paid attention to it while I started to think about techno music.

A few stops later, Bella Swan stepped on to the bus, only focusing on her feet. Of course, she tripped anyways, landing on some poor kid's head. On the bright side, she didn't break his neck.

"Whoops, sorry-oof!" she tripped again. She literally can't walk and talk at the same time. I couldn't help but burst into one of my severe laughing fits, falling onto Maddie and Alice, tears of laughter streaming down my face.

Maddie POV

Bella is such a klutz. How can one person be so incapable of doing _anything?_ She's virtually useless. I say virtually because she's like a slinky. Not that fun to stretch and stuff, but really awesome to push down the stairs. I tried that with Bella one time. Stupid principal gave me I.S.S. Emily on the other hand just got to watch.

Anyway, while Emily was on a full out laughing fit, I tried to listen to what Bella and Edward were saying. They were sitting in the seat in front of me, so it wasn't that hard, except for the fact that Emily was _still_ laughing and drowning out their words.

"IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY!" I screamed, as loud as I could in Emily's face. Soon, everyone was staring at me, except Bella, who somehow ended up splattered against the windshield.

"Hey, Edward," I shyly said. "Are you gonna go get your freak off the windshield? I think the driver is getting pissed at her."

"Crap. Bella, what did you do this time?" Edward fretted over Bella, asking everyone if they had a spatula.

"I do!" I said, pulling out my lucky purple spatula. Don't ask.

"Thanks," he said, snatching it from me.

"What- what happened?" Emily had finally snapped back into reality after again zoning out while lying across both mine and Alice's laps.

"Bella happened," I said, half amused and half glaring at Bella, getting helped by Edward.

"Oh, Alice, what's your favorite color?"

Then, it was Em's turn to babble mindlessly. She rambled on and on and you can't stop her for crap. I looked around for people to entertain me. Jasper was hitting his head against the window, Emmett was making out with Rosalie, again, and Alice and Emily were talking about music. Then, I remembered that I had my rubber ducky to play with and pulled it out of my purse.

Before I knew it, I was at school. Emily and Alice kept babbling on and on. Soon, they had to go separate ways to get to their lockers. Our lockers are right on top of each other, Emily's on top and mine on bottom. The school day passed quickly, and I was lucky that I have every class with Emily and Alice. We all have Language with Edward, and that is the one class Edward doesn't have with Bella.

Next thing I was conscious of, we were outside of the school, leaning against the wall facing the busses. We still had about 10 minutes before the busses left, so we always just chilled against this wall.

"Hey, guys!" Bella called to us, pausing from her walk across the parking lot. She took a few more steps, stopped, and asked, "What's up?" but she started walking while she said the p and tripped. "WHOA!!" she sputtered as she fell face-first onto the asphalt. Everyone in the Cullen family was laughing, even Jasper, who paused from hitting his head on the wall to laugh at her stupidity. Edward wasn't here for some odd reason, but that's a good thing because Bella stood up again and tried to focus fully on her feet, wandering out into the street. Suddenly, a maroon minivan sped through the road, flattening her in the process.

Lucky her, Edward came out of the school just then.

"Bella! Darling! Are you okay!" he screamed while running to her.

"I'm okay, I'm alright!" she mumbled while standing up again. She again concentrated on her feet and resumed crossing the road. Just when she was about to be on the other side, a bus zoomed by, hitting her and pushing her into the unknown.

And that is how Bella Swan died.

**JUST KIDDING!!!**

"Bella! Ohmigawd!! Are you okay?" Edward screamed, chasing after the bus. Little did he know, Bella had actually made it to the other side and was staring at him funny as he chased the bus.


	6. Chapter 6: Trip to the Zoo

Maddie POV

"LET'S GO TO THE ZOO!!!!" I screamed to Emily, who wasn't listening.

"What? Where? Geese?" she sputtered.

"Let's go to the zoo. Hurry up, get dressed," I called to her, still in her pajamas at 2:00 in the afternoon.

"Fine."

Soon, we were both standing in the middle of the living room, equipped with our binoculars and bendy straws, with Armpit, my sugar glider, in my shirt pocket. **(Look up Sugar glider on Google or yahoo or whatever you use)** We were ready to go to the zoo.

I snapped my fingers, and we appeared in the middle of a very surprised group of people. We had skipped the admission lines because we didn't feel like waiting in line. I walked over to the elephant display, climbed the fence, and shoved a 20 dollar bill in one of the elephant's ears.

"Good idea!" Emily said. "Now it's my turn!" She went into the panda exhibit, picking up a baby panda and cuddling it. The momma panda, which was until now munching on some bamboo, stuck her arms in the air and flailed them up and down, making a gargling growl in her throat, but not bothering to get up.

"Oh, sorry momma panda!" she said, setting down the baby and pulling a 50 dollar bill from her extremely fabulous purse. "This should cover it!" she said, shoving the money up the panda's nose. "Take care of your baby, now!" she said, skipping to the fence and snapping her fingers to materialize herself over it.

"Nice," I commented.

"Thanks! Now let's go to the tiger exhibit. I always wanted to ride one!"


	7. Chapter 7: ROAD TRIP!

**Just a reminder, we don't own Twilight.**

Emily POV

"DUMMM DUM DAH DUM...... DAH DAH DUMM DUM DUM DUM DUUUMMMM!!!" Maddie screamed, so I could tell she was bored. Whenever she's bored and she wants to do something, she screams out whatever song she thinks of first.

"Well what do you want to do?" I asked. "We could go swimming, skateboarding, ooh! I like skateboarding. One time I watched Nathan skateboard!" Nathan is our cousin, by the way. **(Authors note: he really is Maddie's brother)** "And then, after he did it, he ate an asparagus! I don't like asparagus. Remember when Aunt Deanne made some sautéed asparagus? It was sorta mushy. I don't-"

"I BOUGHT AN RV!!!!!" Emmett yelled, running through the door, literally. The wood was in pieces all over the living room. I glared at him evilly. He stopped me in the middle of my talking.

Alice peeked out the window to see it, and skipped out the door. We heard lots of booms and bangs, and things moving around and then it got eerily quiet. Too quiet. I could smell the Alice-ness from here. I got up and dragged Maddie by her nose outside to see Alice admiring it from afar.

The RV was pink with purple and blue spirals running up and down the length of it. She had somehow even managed to paint the tires pink, too. I was frightened to see what she had done to its inside.

Emmett came out, saw the RV, and stopped dead in his tracks, then collapsed onto the ground, face first. I don't know what happened to him after that, but he seemed to be having an epileptic fit, or something.

"They, used to have orange flames," he muttered, just loud enough for me and Maddie to hear.

I kept my mouth shut as I opened the door to the RV and I was shocked to see what was inside. The whole interior was pink with purple and blue objects scattered around, mainly stuffed animals. I sat on one of the frilly couches which happened to be really, really comfy. It was huge, of course to fit all of the Cullens, plus about five more.

"Okay guys, go pack your stuff," Alice chirped.

Everyone exited the RV except for just me and Maddie. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" I asked.

"It depends, what are you thinking?" she replied.

"ROAD TRIP!" I shouted.

"Oh, I was thinking about a tuna sandwich. Now I want one."

"Too bad, we have to pack!" I said as I materialized the both of us back home. I pulled out a lime green suitcase and packed the basic essentials, like two elephant size nail files, two pairs of pliers, two rabid turkeys, and two bags of bacon bits. I'm bringing two of everything because I know exactly what Maddie is going to pack.

Maddie skipped into my room with her rubber ducky shaped suitcase she got for Christmas last year. "I'm ready, how about you?"

"Let me check to see if you have everything you need," I said as I unzipped her suitcase. Before I knew it, I was bombarded with rubber duckies flying out of it at an alarming speed.

"I told Nathan to pack his stuff, too," Maddie informed me.

"Ugh. All he's gonna do is play Xbox 360 all the time!" I whined.

"Yeah, but so would Emmett, so they can play together!"

"Good idea...."

Maddie POV

We were outside the RV with Nathan, who had his Xbox and was texting some girl that he broke up with 2 months ago.

"Nathan, she has a boyfriend!" I reminded him.

"Well she's still freaking HOT!" he argued.

I sighed, then turned to Emily, who was absent-mindedly playing with her stomach. "Wow, Emily," I said to her.

"Huh, what?"

"Never mind," I sighed, just as the Cullens came outside.

"Hey, Nate!" Emmett boomed to Nathan.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Nothing much, dude, except that I bought an awesome RV with flames on it, then Alice redecorated it," he said, his voice getting quieter, then shivered.

"I was wondering why it was pink."

We all loaded up, and Alice tried to take the wheel.

"Whoa, there!" Carlisle said. "You aren't old enough, and plus, you have terrible road rage!"

"Darn," Alice replied, retreating to the back.

Nathan and Emmett set up the Xbox and got Jasper to play with a special controller with a razorblade in the side of it, so whenever he felt like being emo, he would just slide the blade across his wrist and watch it ooze. Whenever that would happen, Alice would come over, put a band-aid over it, kiss it, and say "You can bang your head on the wall, but I draw the line at cutting." Then Jasper would stare lovingly into her eyes, and they would kiss for about 5 seconds or until someone cleared their throat to tell them to stop. We drove and drove, me being constantly entertained by my rubber ducks of all colors and sizes.


	8. Chapter 8: One Man One Dream One Chance

Emily POV

After an hour or so of zoning out, I saw a man running in slow motion across an open field.

"Whoa, Carlisle! Let's slow down! I wanna see something," I shouted.

Maddie face dived into the seat next to me and stared at the weird muscular man.

"Ohmigawd, he's freaking awesome!" Emmett screamed. "CARLISLE!! FOLLOW HIM!!!"

"Okay, fine," Carlisle sighed, swerving off the road following the guy closely from behind.

For the next day and a half, we watched that dude wear tight clothes, carrying heavy stuff, face planting in the field, and riding a random four wheeler that came out of nowhere, all while a depressing love song played in the background. Maddie spent two whole hours trying to find the source of it, then finally gave up. Sometimes, he would just stop and do a really cheesy smile at a camera that seemed to follow him wherever he went. We followed him through a forest and up a steep climb to a high up cliff. He got to the very edge and held out his arms wide.

"LOREN!" He shouted all long and drawn out. "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII LLLLLOOOOOVVVEEEEE YYOO--," he was cut off by Carlisle nudging him with the RV, causing him to fall off the cliff.

"CARLISLE!!! WHY DID YOU DO THAT??" Emmett screamed, jumping through the window.

"THAT'S MY MOVE!!" I screamed, jumping out the window after him and clawing his face while he screamed like a chicken eating cold lollipop sticks.

"What? I didn't like him anymore!" Carlisle replied, not figuring out why Esme was giving an angry look.

**Author's Note: Credit to this chapter goes to the guy in One Man One Dream One Chance. Go youtube it if you don't know what it is.**


	9. Chapter 9: iPod Crazy, or WORSE?

**Maddie POV**

"Are we there yet?" I asked Carlisle for the 43rd time today.

"NO!" He screamed, shoving a syringe into my arm.

"What's that?" I said, calming down.

"A sedative to make you SHUT UP!!" He yelled into my face. The last view I saw of the world before I blacked out was of Bella running in circles, Emily biting her butt and being dragged behind her. Bella was screaming and constantly tripping while Edward was crying because Nathan made a funny face at him. I love my family.

Then, I was out.

A few hours later, I woke up, wiping the drool from my mouth. Wind was whipping my face, blowing my hair into my eyes.

_There's a fan in here?_

I looked up at the ceiling and saw a beautiful painting of clouds and blue sky. _I didn't notice Alice had painted the ceiling... _Only when a bird flew across my line of sight I noticed that I was looking at the actual sky and I was on the roof of the RV.

"GAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!" I screamed, shaking my fist at the sky. I flipped over so that I was laying on my stomach, reared back my head and rammed it into the roof of the RV, making a hole and sticking my head into the passenger's compartment.

"!!! OOPMA LOOMPAS CHICKEN TENDERS FRIED POPSICLES!!!!" I screamed to anyone in there. Somehow, nobody noticed. Emily was zoning out right below me, her eyes drooping and her mouth hanging open. I spit at her and it landed in her open mouth.

"MEOW!!" she screamed in alarm. "Oh, hey Maddie! How did you get up there?"

"I don't know. GET ME DOWN!" I screamed, and I could feel my face turning black. I don't know why, but it did.

"Are you dead?" Emily asked, losing focus.

"No, but YOU will be if you don't get me down!!" I screamed some more, making an awesome comeback. Then, I got in my breaking point position with my head still in the RV. I heard the RV start to creak, and I knew what was about to happen. I braced myself, and prepared a scream. Then, I zoned out and next thing I knew, I was on the floor.

"Oh, hi Maddie!" Emily said as if I had just gotten here.

"Hello, Emily. Excuse me as I use my awesome detective skills to find out who put me on the roof."

"Oh, I did that! You were on the couch and I wanted to use it but you wouldn't wake up so I materialized you there!" she said, looking accomplished.

"!!!!!!" I screeched out my battle cry and tackled her, stealing her iPod and throwing it out the window.

"MY BABY!!!" she yelled, jumping out the window after it. I walked over to the fridge to get some yogurt, covered my face in it, and when I was about to pretend I was in a kick line Emily materialized herself back into the RV. She was caressing her iPod as she sat down in the sink and materialized a tornado outside the window.

"Ooh, nice one. That's one of the best you've ever done!" I complemented her on her tornado's form, which had to be considered at least an F-4 on the Richter scale.

"Thanks," she said between sobs.

"GET OVER IT! IT'S NOT EVEN DENTED!" I screamed before I again threw her iPod out the window. She screamed and jumped after it like before.

I still had the yogurt on my face, so I played some music and began to kick my legs in the air like the Rockettes. Life is good.


	10. Chapter 10: Bella is a Cactus Head

**Again, we don't own Twilight, and we're glad we don't otherwise we would be ashamed of the stalkerishness of our books, which WE DON'T OWN. GOT IT?**

"**I think they do…" says the voice in my head. Haha, juuust kidding! :D **

Emily POV

After I had retrieved, dunked, lathered, scrubbed, rinsed, lotioned, dried, and polished my iPod three times in a row, I went and philosophized about Mr. Potato Head in the room me and Maddie shared. Eventually, I heard a noise like a choking elephant and dramatically turned my head to the left to see Bella strapped to the ceiling, snoring. I was pretty sure that I didn't do that one. Or did I?

I spent an hour or so trying to remember if I did or not. I decided that Alice did it. No one could make the tape say _I hate you. Go die in a hole_ on it look so darn pretty at the same time. Just then and idea hatched in my head. I grinned evilly and walked into the main room. Maddie had now started trying to swallow a ruler. Nothing new. I snatched up Carlisle's sedatives while he wasn't looking and went back into my room giving an evil glare to Maddie and she automatically understood and followed me. That look said: _come help me torture she-who-must-not-be-named-even-though-we-name-her-anyway._

We got to our room and locked the door while we gave Bella the death glare with a touch of evil in it.

"OOOOOHHHH!!!! ARE WE GONNA KILL HER?!?" Maddie asked, a look of pure excitement in her eye as she pulled out her miniature torture kit from her pocket.

"No, that wouldn't give us enough satisfaction.," I said while I injected the sedatives into Bella's forehead. "Plus, we'd probably go to jail, so we're just going to embarrass her and win Edward back," Maddie tearfully put her kit back and pulled out different colored sharpies instead, grinning once she had opened the rubber duck shaped case.

"Alright, give me the purple marker," I said in a clipped professional tone and began my project.

Twenty minutes later, Bella had a poo colored rainbow across her nose, a green swirled mustache, and LOSER written in big black block letters. I made sure that everything would take at least a month to wash off.

Maddie and I returned to the main area of the huge hotel room we were staying in, where we sat on the couch and stared at the door to the room Bella was in. We waited, and waited, and waited, for 3 hours straight, before we heard Bella crying.

"YAY!" Maddie screamed, grinning widely and running to Bella. I followed, not wanting to miss the scene of a lifetime.

When we walked in, Bella was still on the ceiling, where she was being attacked by a gravity-defying poodle. I materialized some popcorn, and we sat watching the floating dog attack. After a while, the dog chewed through some of the tape, so Bella fell onto the bed below. She got up, and with one glance in the mirror, her head exploded. Literally. It was really nasty, yet indescribably cool. Maddie and I watched in awe as Bella's still living body tensed up, and began a headless strain. Soon, a cactus grew from where Bella's head used to be, growing poo colored flowers and dying, where it froze into the shape of Bella's head. Her body peeled off the dead cactus, revealing a new, clean, not colored on Bella head.

"CRAP! FRIZZLESTICKS! BATTERY CLUTCHERS!" Maddie yelled.

"OCTAGONAL TEDDY BEARS!" I screamed in reply. Maddie and I both stormed out of the room and began to joint-mope. In case you didn't know, we each hug each other, crying purple tears and eating papaya ice cream.

**REVIEW! OR ELSE! OR ELSER ELSE! OR ELSETY-ELSE ELSE! Great, now I typed else so much it looks like I spelled it wrong. I really didn't! I promise!**


	11. Chapter 11:Potato Chips

Maddie POV

"CARLISLE!" I yelled from my spot on Emmy's back while she collapsed on Alice's bunny rug.

"WHAT? NO, WE ARE NOT THERE YET!" He yelled back, obviously thinking I was going to ask him if we were there yet.

"I wanna go home," I said to him, gnawing on Emmy's leg.

"HOORAH! GOOD IDEA, MADDIE!" he yelled to me. Then, he stuck his head out of the driver's side window and yelled, "Okay, boys, you can quit with the scenery."

"What?" I said, looking out the window to see the road flashing by, but suddenly turn to just a white screen. The screen got taken down. "Was this whole trip fake?"

"Ha! You actually think I know how to drive this thing?" he replied.

"But—But—But what about that 'Loren! I love yooooou!' guy? This doesn't make sense!"

Emily, finally saying something smart, stated, "I think the authors were sick of this road trip thing and wanted a quick way to end it, so they made up something that makes no sense at all."

Then, a voice coming from seemingly nowhere spoke. "NUH-UH!" It yelled at us.

"YUH-HUH!" Emily screamed back.

"We just… uh… like potato chips?" another voice from the sky said.

"I think Emily just figured it out…" I said.

"EYEBROW TWEEZING SALT SHAKERS, EMILY THE AUTHOR! THEY'VE GOT US!"

Maddie POV

I was dreaming. There were gummy bears dancing and spinning. I felt like I was on an acid trip. Then, a tree came out of the middle of the dance floor, growing and sprouting a head that looked like Emily. The gummy bears climbed the tree, spinning on it and playing.

Then, I woke up.

Emily was standing over my head, grinning. I was thoroughly confused. When I sat up, I hit my head on a giant cupcake.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Emily yelled to me. She was waiting for a 'thank you' or something.

"Emily, is it _your_ birthday?" I replied, trying to be nice.

"No! I know when my birthday is!" she was looking at me like _I_ was the idiot.

"Emily, we're twins. We have the same birthday," I said through clenched teeth.

"Oh…" she mumbled.

"But thanks for the cupcake!" I yelled, jumping out of bed and grabbing my cupcake before running down the hall to the bathroom to eat it.

"BUT IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TOO! WE'RE TWINS!"

"No, Emily! It's NEITHER of our birthdays!" I had a mouthful of deliciousness. "But I wanted the cupcake!"

**I know, short and dull. Deal with it! But review if you want more! We feel like nobody wants to read it! :'( Review, and Bella shall lose her hair and DIE!**


End file.
